CREATING A STRONGER BOND WITH YOUR FAMILY.

These days a lot of families just live under the same roof, share food, bear the same surname, sometimes pray together or go to church together and still end up acting like total strangers to one another when they’re not doing the things they think a family is obligated to do.

The term Family, According to Britannica is;

A group of persons united by the ties of marriage, blood, or adoption, constituting a single household and interacting with each other in their respective social positions, usually those of spouses, parents, children, and siblings”

As simple as this may sound, some families tend to have a stronger bond than others, and this is simply because they decided to be responsible for each other, creating a visible bond, while also building relationships with themselves every day that they spend together.

In all my years of living, I’ve seen the families of many people and how distant they are from each other, living like strangers who just happen to be sharing a flat. This is pitiable and sad, as it affects the lives of kids from these homes (especially those sent to boarding schools) cause most kids from homes like this do not have an idea of how happy and comfortable a family home should be.

Some families are so distant from one another to an extent that each of their personal lives is a complete secret to one another. They’re unable to vouch for themselves, stand up for each other or even communicate without hauling insults at one another or being shut out by the older ones in the family.

Being a part of a distant family does not only affect members of the family on the inside, it also affects how they interact with members of their society. These might lead to;

• Low self-esteem
• Poor communication and comprehension skills
• Issues with commitment
• Daddy or Mummy issues
• A poor idea/No idea of what makes a healthy Family
• Fear of building their own family
• Forbearing of more distant and unstable families in the future.

The essence of this article is to recommend some ways that a family can build and strengthen their bond.

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Let us discuss further:

1: FORGIVENESS

People hurt each other. It happens to everyone. intentionally, unintentionally, regretfully or not. It’s a part of what we do as people. The beauty is that we can heal and forgive”

Adi Alsaid

Most families hold grudges against one another, most especially because of hurtful words or actions that have been exchanged/exhibited over the years that might have been unintentional or intentional.

Love cannot flourish in an unforgiven heart or rather an unforgiving household. We should be able to let go of the grudges we hold against our family members no matter how unforgiving some of us might be. Before a family can attempt to become closer they must confront every hatred and grudge they’ve held for one another over the years.

No matter how much people might pretend to love themselves, there’s always an obvious difference from what real love is. I know some of us like to believe that love comes naturally to those who share blood ties, but real love that promotes unity and peace is achieved through forgiveness and consistent effort.

2: EMPATHY

Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world”

Barack Obama

I had to put this in here cause most of us can be self-centred, especially when it comes to understanding some decisions that were made by our parents, siblings or extended family members, or even the phase a family member might be going through. I know it’s hard to think for others when things are also hard for us, but we should be able to act in a way that lessens the burden on our family members, most especially Parents as well as children.

We should not only sympathize with one another but we should also learn the ability to empathize with others. Seeing things from another person’s point of view helps a lot in building relationships with others. Unfortunately, this is a personality trait and a skill that most of us lack because of one unfortunate reason or the other, but it can always be adopted by anyone willing to build a non-toxic family/relationship.

Family members should be more empathetic towards one another. Create a safe place for growing, a place free of constant negative/toxic style of living.

The reason why some siblings are so distant from themselves and would rather confide in their friends when they’re going through difficult times is because they know how judgemental/toxic their family can be. They feel like a stranger and highly misunderstood in a place they’re supposed to call home, and this shouldn’t be normal in any way.

Take some time out of your day to ask after your siblings and your parents, if it looks like something might be bothering them, don’t hesitate to ask them what’s wrong. Make them feel safe and you’re bound to get the same treatment from them. It takes time but you eventually get what you give. Or as some would say “You reap what you sow” We cannot keep complaining about our families being toxic without trying in the long run to be the positive family member.

Being empathetic will make you a family member that anyone can easily trust, communicate with, and they would even feel safer and more comfortable around you.

3: FAMILY MEETINGS

Yes. Family Meetings. These meetings are so effective if they’re done the right way. By the right way I simply mean; no churning of the younger ones, everyone is given enough time to speak while the others listen.

Family Meetings strengthen the bond of families in such a way that everyone knows that their voice is heard and their opinions do matter. The participation of everyone in the decision-making process of things that affect the home gives the kids (i) a sense of mental responsibility/maturity as they grow up (ii) it also builds their communication skills (iii) even helps to lift their self-esteem.

Everyone loves the feeling of being heard. It’s such a pity that in most families there’s no avenue for kids to voice their opinion not even to their siblings, the ripple effect of this is an adult with inability to have their own opinion on issues and adults who are timid when it comes down to speaking with matured members of the society.

And this is why families should create time for family meetings where issues concerning the household is discussed, questions are asked and opinions are shared.

Instead of avoiding confrontation, getting angry or holding grudges when there’s a dispute, a meeting where both parties involved, are given an avenue to explain themselves better will go a long way in improving the unity in a family.

4: COMMUNICATION & COMPREHENSION

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening”

Emma Thompson

Commmunication is key. No human being is a mind reader, if you go around expecting everyone to be able to read your body language or your mind you’ll only be leaving a trail of bad relationships.

I know most people expect members of their families to automatically understand them better even without words because they’ve been living together since they were born, but people are born different, some people are easy to read, and others are hard to read. Some people read others easily, some people do not.

You need to communicate your feelings and your thoughts better with words very efficiently, if you expect people to understand you. Yes, this applies to your siblings and your parents. If you feel hurt by something that was said, do not be shy or scared to voice out your feelings, you might even get an apology in return, cause sometimes our loved ones tend to hurt us unintentionally, especially with words.

Also, encourage your siblings and parents to share their thoughts and feelings better. Ask after one another, strike up meaningful conversations and even trivial ones. A simple “how was school”, “How’s your friend”, “why did you do this” or “What happened with xxx” goes a long way.

One of the major reasons why some youths today have poor relationships with their parents, especially their dads, is the lack of communication growing up. Some parents do not give room for their kids to be able to communicate with them. These kids grow up with zero understanding from their parents and also zero empathy and sympathy from their parents and this can sometimes affect the relationship between siblings.

The ripple effect of this is very huge on the life of the adults from that family, A person who grew up without effectively communicating within the family eventually lacks the basic requirements to be a good communicator, this inturn makes many of them find it difficult to comprehend even the simplest of things outside their formal education, This births adults that find it difficult to communicate effectively with their peers and elders in the society. The worse is how many grow up and find themselves in relationships or marriages where they cannot comprehend words vividly and cannot communicate effectively.

Good communication skills is firstly learnt in the family because if we communicate easily and freely among members of our families, doing so with others outside our homes wouldn’t be so difficult. It is the best headstart anyone can get.

5: SHARING MEALS OR EATING TOGETHER

Study shows that sharing a meal with your family twice or thrice a week strengthens family relationships and decreases the chances of depression

This applies to households where everyone eats at their own time and prepare their meals separately. I know growing up, most of us no longer like some foods we used to like, hence the whole idea of eating different foods during breakfast, lunch or dinner.

There are seven days a week, and sharing a meal with your family twice or thrice strengthens family bonds. There are only a few things a good meal won’t fix, but a lot of things that it would fix.

NOTE: Sharing a meal could also mean sitting together in the Dinning or Sitting room eating separately but in the same space.

Eating together as a family brings out the feeling of nostalgia and this helps us to remember how nice and fun our lives were when we were little. This might even lead to a good conversation between family members. We might even learn a thing or two about one another.

6: SPENDING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

There are some activities families can engage in together without having to spend a huge amount of money.

When was the last time you played a game with your family? I’m talking about indoor games like Ludo, Whot, Ayo, Scrabble, etc. These activities help to reduce stress, and also strengthen the bonds between family members. Everyone will have a good laugh and might end up sharing lots of funny stories from the past. It’s interesting and important to know more about the history of our parents.

When was the last time you sat together with the family and watched TV together? I know some people think watching TV with their family can be boring or too limited, but there are lots of family shows you can watch with your younger siblings and parents. e.g; Who wants to be a millionaire, Sport games, Sitcoms, etc

Try Introducing your parents to some really good documentaries that would keep them up to date with the world. We learn from our parents and our parents also learn from us. Watch the news with your parents, and in return make them watch some interesting tv shows or movies. The time you spend explaining some of the scenes to them is bonding time. These little things create and tighten the bond between family members.

At the end of the day, This would also make you versatile in pop culture when discussing with your peers in the society or online, it would also make you able to create a Family that enjoy good times together, Every little thing matters in your growth.

7: DO NOT FORGET TO COMPLIMENT THEM

Be their personal hype man/woman. Compliment them when necessary and even for the little things. This will not only put a smile on their face but also boost their confidence.

Human beings whether male or female, adults or kids love being complimented.

Families should work towards building each other’s confidence instead of breaking it. If you’re always reminded of how amazing you are by your siblings or parents you tend to live your life feeling good and determined to do more amazing things.

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The Family is the basis of society. As the family is, so is the society, and it is human beings who make a family-not the quantity of them, but the quality of them.”

Ashley Montagu

These few tips should be taken more seriously, especially in homes where kids are barely around because of boarding schools/Higher Institutions or homes where parents are more busy with money making than creating natural family happiness/memories. During the holidays spent together, instead of being alone at all times, try creating time to do some activities with your siblings and your parents.

As funny as it might sound, The family unit in the Society is what creates an Adult before anything else, If one comes from a toxic family, there is a high chance that they would struggle with toxic relationships or be a partner who is subconsciously draining to their lover. In some cases, They find it difficult to navigate adulthood as a normal positive Adult.

There is no harm in choosing to be different, be the family member who chooses love and understanding above all, create a home for yourself that would not end up creating adults who struggle with basic skills such as; Communication, Comprehension, Empathy, Low self-esteem, Poor character judgement, etc

We should all remember that we’re not always going to live together with our family, this should motivate us into spending the time we have with them to strengthen our bonds. The type of bond that even distance cannot affect.